My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
