Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
