I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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