Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
