I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
