Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
