I wish my penis had an off switch
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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