so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
