Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
