If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
