At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I intend to get homeless drunk
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
