I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
