Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
