I'm so fucking centered right now
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
