Will you blow on my dice?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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