Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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