marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
