I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just want nice things and good sex
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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