I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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