So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
