Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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