I CAN MOONWALK!
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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