why do cheetos always look like penises
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
