I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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