And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
