I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
