As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
