At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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