i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
