Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
