Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
