yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
