I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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