He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
