My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
