I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
