My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
