Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
