I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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