You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
