I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
