She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
