I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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