My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
