When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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