What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
