youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
