If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
