What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Sorry about my life...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
