I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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