My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
