there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
