i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
