we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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